GayThailand Forum : Gay Relationships and Monogamy - GayThailand Forum

Spurred by the thread on the main forum about relationships with Thais, I started thinking about monogamy. I have many farang friends who have been in happy committed relationships with Asians of different nationalities. At their start, I heard tales of “he’s the one for me”, “this is it”, “finally I’m going to settle down” etc.

Yet, in each and every case, even though they have been together for more than 25 years in one case and will certainly never part, monogamy seems to work only for the first 5 years or so. Thereafter, something seems to happen, sex loses its excitement and fulfillment, and the relationship becomes open.

I’ve often heard it said that for heterosexual couples children help to cement a marriage. In many cases this may be true, but not always. For example, I know two straight couples in their 40s/50s with no children who are totally happy in their long relationships. On the other hand, I have two gay friends in the US who have recently had a baby through a surrogate. Even before the baby arrived, I had never heard that either had ‘strayed’ during their 8 year + relationship. Now that they have the baby, they seem more committed than ever.

I wonder what others think.

Couples are different. I know of happy gay and straight couples who are long term monogamous and happy, and ones who are open and happy. I also know a few who are trying monogamy or trying open, and are miserable.

I think it's simply a matter of each couple trying to work out what works best for them. In all cases, complete honesty seems to be the only way of progressing. I think in any relationship in the early days, sexual fidelity is relatively easy. You don't really have eyes for anyone else. As time passes, you have to think about that. I think the trick is to talk about it before that time comes.

I have never really understood or accepted that monogamy is the ideal, to be aimed for. And I really don't accept the view that an open relationship is somehow less commited than a monogamous one. I know of several couples for whom sex is an enjoyable, sensual pleasure that can be shared with others, but whose love for each other is fierce. Monogamy of the heart, I suppose, rather than the body.

As for me, I've been in both open and monogamous relationships in the past. Both had different challenges for me. Neither is easy. Realtionships aren't easy. I've now reached the point where I am very content to be single. I've accepted that "being in a relationship" is not an ideal to be aimed for either. But I also think that should I ever find myself drifting towards a relationship again, I will not be interested in demanding sexual fidelity, or in promising it. There are more important parts of love, if you ask me.

I posted a big long reply to this yesterday, but it seems to have disappered

penguin, on 30 July 2010 - 02:21 PM, said:

And now it has appeared, before the post about it disappearing. So now I just look like I'm blind. Or mad.

Anyway. As you were.

penguin, on 31 July 2010 - 11:34 PM, said:

Not at all. The reason you didn't see your post was because it defaulted to invisible until a moderator approved it. I approved it. From now on, your posts should appear immediately. If you write another post, but it doesn't appear immediately, please send us a PM so we can see what the problem is and try to correct it.